This month has been pretty interesting with respect to this journey. Easter came and went and I didn't even really notice, except that my mom asked me if I was going to dinner at Granny's. That usually means a major holiday is on the horizon. Then I considered appealing to my boss that we should be allowed to leave work early on Good Friday since it was an important day to Christians and all. I decided that I couldn't effectively pull that one off, as she knows where I am in terms of re-evaluating my belief system as much as anyone who's in contact with me these days.
I have had quite a few interesting conversations with people about religion and what they believe. One such conversation was with someone I know who considers herself Pagan. She is an atheistic Pagan (as I have learned that there is great diversity among Pagans). This conversation led me to put feet to my notion that I was in the process of learning about other religions. I've been saying that that was something I've been working on in this journey, but the truth is that I bought a couple of books and I haven't really read them yet, or done much else for that matter. In the middle of my conversation with her I googled "Unitarian Universalism". I figured this would be my best shot at a one stop shop to learn a little about a variety of different belief systems and thereby compare them to my own to evaluate what I really hold to and what I'm not so sure about. It seemed like a safe enough place to question my own Christian beliefs, even if I don't agree with the beliefs of the others around me. I decided to give them a try.
The service felt just like church. The congregation I went to was rather traditional in that the place looked like a church, there was a minister and a choir and song books...you know, like church. The Sunday I went was a special music service, so basically the choir was in charge of the whole shebang. They sang songs from different traditions and the choir director gave the historical context for each song, as well as the spiritual components that each song highlighted. I think most of the songs were Christian, as I knew a whole bunch of them. One was an African-American spiritual. I remember there was one from Costa Rica; I think it was from an earth-based tradition. There were a couple that weren't in English, one in particular was from an African tradition. There were interesting concepts in each of them and the connection between them was the concept of Spirit.
I didn't exactly know what to make of it when I left and I'm not sure I know now. I don't know that I want to be a Unitarian Universalist, but I do want to be in that space right now while I work through my own theology. (Yes, I am sure that it is a theology, because I am certain that I believe in God.) I need to be around people who have their own beliefs, but aren't dogmatic about them. Dogmatism annoys me, especially among Christians who keep saying the same things over and over again that I already know. I know what Christians believe. I know the spectrum of Christian beliefs. My journey at the moment is to decide which (if any) of them I believe.
Belief systems are inherited. We aren't born with one, it is shaped for us from our environment--our families, friends, those things to which we are exposed. I am certain that I became Christian because I was raised by Christians. I would have been Buddhist had I been raised by Buddhists. Anyone raised to believe that their belief system is "the truth" to the exclusion of all else will accept that teaching as true. I think I'm a late bloomer with regard to questioning that reality, and I believe it's largely because of exposure. I've always been around Christians. I've never spent any time getting to know anyone who holds to fundamentally different beliefs, who has a different idea of what truth is. I'm getting to know those people now, and while I've heard plenty of things that I am sure I don't and can't believe, I know it is a necessary and responsible exercise for me at the moment.
I offer this example. In my process of de-constructing my Christian beliefs, I am stuck at evaluating what I believe about the person of Christ. At the moment I am caught up on the doctrine of the Virgin Birth. It has always been a pretty incredible (in the unbelievable sense) part of the story for me. I have a difficult time believing it, regardless of what I believe about God and what he is able to do. I don't think I have questioned it because I have always thought that believing the Bible means that I have to find a way to make it all fit in my mind, or just accept what I don't understand (or believe, really) "by faith". Well, when one makes the decision to lay all beliefs aside and build them back up one by one, it's interesting when you don't rebuild them in the same order they were taught to you. I haven't dealt with what I believe about the Bible yet. So, my beliefs about it don't get to dictate my beliefs about the stories it contains. So, here I am with a story I don't believe that (to many Christians) is fundamental to whether or not one believes in Christ's deity. I don't necessarily see it that way. But it doesn't matter at the moment, as I haven't gotten to the deity of Christ anyway. I'm still working on how I believe he got here. I do believe he got here, by the way.
During a discussion about the virgin birth a cute 12 year old chimed in to offer his 2 cents ($20.00 in my book) to the conversation. He mentioned that the virgin birth that we were discussing isn't the only time people of faith have believed that a deity has impregnated a mortal. He rattled off a list of Greek and Roman gods who have the same fame. I thought he made a brilliant point. What makes Christianity's virgin, god-mortal birth any different than the Greek and Roman ones? Same mythology repeating itself? There was a time in Europe's and America's lovely Christian history when I would have been burned at the stake for such a suggestion. But you know, as well as most Christians can innumerate the atrocities done in the name of Allah, they seem to be completely oblivious to those done in the name of Christ. I don't think that statement validates one faith or the other. It's just an observation, just like the god-mortal pregnancy parallel.
I don't have any more answers today than I did a month ago and I'm perfectly fine with that. I don't think this process will be a speedy one. I don't want it to be. I have been inclined along the way to just give up and stick with the tried and true because it's less exhausting than all of this. But I can't go through the motions as a Christian any more. If I give up in this journey, I'll give up and be nothing before I give up and return to my default just because it's what I "know". I was invited to a conference next weekend about making the church relevant to 20 and 30 somethings. I have read one book by one of the guys who's speaking at the conference, Don Miller. It should be interesting, but I think I am going to feel like an outsider. I'm not so sure an outsider will have much to contribute to an internal discussion. Do I think I'm an outsider among Christians? No. But I think most Christians would think I am if they knew my questions and lack of conclusions to this point. It will be interesting to see how I feel in that space. There have been moments in this journey that have gripped me and convinced me of my faith in God. I'm wondering if the same will happen with regard to faith in Christ. We shall see. It should be interesting.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Sunday, April 01, 2007
On Rhetoric and Zombies
My brother is a musician. He was raised in church like I was, but he didn't really start going to church as an adult regularly until between his marriages. Now, he's still all of the musician he's ever been, but he also plays at his very multi-cultural church. It's interesting to see his talent cross genres. Last night I went to see a gospel music stage play he and a life-long friend of his produced. His friend wrote and directed the play, and my brother wrote and composed all of the music and is the music director. I was proud of both of them.
I had mixed feelings about going to see the play. Obviously, this is my brother, so of course I was going to go and support him. I love him to pieces. But I can't stand gospel music stage plays. I feel, with everything in me, that if you've seen one you've seen them all. They appeal to an audience I have not been a part of in a very long time. An audience I don't care to be a part of ever again. And then, at the same time, I worried that somehow being in this atmosphere again would make me feel guilty for choosing not to attend church at this point in my life. I doubted that it would go that way, but I wondered if I too would succumb to the emotional hooplah.
Part of my frustration with the church (and if I'm to be completely honest, this issue speaks to my frustration with the Black church in particular) is that I observe such a mindless, unintelligent following. I don't mean to imply that the people who attend these churches are mindless and unintelligent, rather I use those terms to describe what I perceive to be their approach to participation in the church. I have a problem with anyone who behaves a certain way simply because it's what's expected in a particular place at a particular time. I am not one to clap because the minister says clap, or because the music cues a particular response. I'm not going to yell, "Hallelujah" because someone in the pulpit tells me to. And I certainly will not "get behind" a preacher who is yelling and whooping absurdities, just because he reaches the emotional high point of his sermon where this type of response is expected. Sometimes I wonder if the congregation is even listening to the words the preacher's saying at all. Preachers say some pretty ridiculous things, even about what the Bible supposedly says. I am always amazed at the things folks in Black churches will sign on to and agree with without thinking about them first. I think it's sad and detrimental. It perpetuates this blind following.
As much as I hope gospel music stage plays seek to parody this type of behavior, I usually notice a disconnect between the intention and the response of the audience. When I see a preacher in a gospel stage play whooping and hollering, dancing and shouting across the stage while he's singing his sermon and rifting on every third word, I recognize the parody that it is. I think the majority of the audience recognizes it as such and laughs. It's funny. He's never saying anything particularly substantive or enlightening. Actually, he's usually saying something quite absurd. But there's always that core group of blind sheep who fall into step with the requisite audience/congregation response. Sometimes I think the audience is playing along with the parody, but just when I assume that, something happens to confirm that these folks are serious. It makes my blood boil. How can otherwise intelligent people be so programmed?
Last night was no exception. I like the play and I must say, my brother's closing number was quite a hit. He's released it as a single and I hope it does well, despite the fact that it stirs up more negative emotions in me than I can count. It basically says that "a family that prays together, stays together". I'm not opposed to that sentiment necessarily, but I'm not at all convinced of it's truth. The point of this post isn't for me to dissect such a statement, so I won't. Suffice it say though, that it's this type of thing to which I refer when I say that I don't think people really think about the church rhetoric they propagate. Rhetoric (religious or otherwise) is such an influential component of Black culture, for better or for worse, but I think we all have a responsibility to individually think through these things before jumping on a bandwagon. I think this song will do well because it's familiar rhetoric. It's catchy and there's a whole market for that. I hope, for his sake, it sells well.
Maybe I think too much. I was notorious for refusing to sing quite a few worship songs and hymns because, in my opinion, the ideas were ridiculous. I can't think of a single one at the moment. Ah, songs that says stuff like, "You're all I need. Jesus, you're all I need.". Well, um, no. That's not true. I need water and air and food and shelter and ... you get my drift. In the same way, there are love songs with messages I abhor. Like Macy Gray's I Try:
So, I left the play unaffected. I was as certain as I've been for this last year or so, that church isn't where I want to be right now. Not until I find a place that reinvents the idea in a more intelligent, non-rhetorical, non-programmatic, zombie-clone creating way.
I'll let you know when I find it.
I had mixed feelings about going to see the play. Obviously, this is my brother, so of course I was going to go and support him. I love him to pieces. But I can't stand gospel music stage plays. I feel, with everything in me, that if you've seen one you've seen them all. They appeal to an audience I have not been a part of in a very long time. An audience I don't care to be a part of ever again. And then, at the same time, I worried that somehow being in this atmosphere again would make me feel guilty for choosing not to attend church at this point in my life. I doubted that it would go that way, but I wondered if I too would succumb to the emotional hooplah.
Part of my frustration with the church (and if I'm to be completely honest, this issue speaks to my frustration with the Black church in particular) is that I observe such a mindless, unintelligent following. I don't mean to imply that the people who attend these churches are mindless and unintelligent, rather I use those terms to describe what I perceive to be their approach to participation in the church. I have a problem with anyone who behaves a certain way simply because it's what's expected in a particular place at a particular time. I am not one to clap because the minister says clap, or because the music cues a particular response. I'm not going to yell, "Hallelujah" because someone in the pulpit tells me to. And I certainly will not "get behind" a preacher who is yelling and whooping absurdities, just because he reaches the emotional high point of his sermon where this type of response is expected. Sometimes I wonder if the congregation is even listening to the words the preacher's saying at all. Preachers say some pretty ridiculous things, even about what the Bible supposedly says. I am always amazed at the things folks in Black churches will sign on to and agree with without thinking about them first. I think it's sad and detrimental. It perpetuates this blind following.
As much as I hope gospel music stage plays seek to parody this type of behavior, I usually notice a disconnect between the intention and the response of the audience. When I see a preacher in a gospel stage play whooping and hollering, dancing and shouting across the stage while he's singing his sermon and rifting on every third word, I recognize the parody that it is. I think the majority of the audience recognizes it as such and laughs. It's funny. He's never saying anything particularly substantive or enlightening. Actually, he's usually saying something quite absurd. But there's always that core group of blind sheep who fall into step with the requisite audience/congregation response. Sometimes I think the audience is playing along with the parody, but just when I assume that, something happens to confirm that these folks are serious. It makes my blood boil. How can otherwise intelligent people be so programmed?
Last night was no exception. I like the play and I must say, my brother's closing number was quite a hit. He's released it as a single and I hope it does well, despite the fact that it stirs up more negative emotions in me than I can count. It basically says that "a family that prays together, stays together". I'm not opposed to that sentiment necessarily, but I'm not at all convinced of it's truth. The point of this post isn't for me to dissect such a statement, so I won't. Suffice it say though, that it's this type of thing to which I refer when I say that I don't think people really think about the church rhetoric they propagate. Rhetoric (religious or otherwise) is such an influential component of Black culture, for better or for worse, but I think we all have a responsibility to individually think through these things before jumping on a bandwagon. I think this song will do well because it's familiar rhetoric. It's catchy and there's a whole market for that. I hope, for his sake, it sells well.
Maybe I think too much. I was notorious for refusing to sing quite a few worship songs and hymns because, in my opinion, the ideas were ridiculous. I can't think of a single one at the moment. Ah, songs that says stuff like, "You're all I need. Jesus, you're all I need.". Well, um, no. That's not true. I need water and air and food and shelter and ... you get my drift. In the same way, there are love songs with messages I abhor. Like Macy Gray's I Try:
I try to say goodbye and I chokeI hate the sentiment of this song. I need you to be a little less codependent and be able to survive without him. And there are so many like this. Angie Stone is famous for them and I can add countless others. Now, do I refrain from listening to these songs or singing them and dancing around the house with my Zune when the come on? NO. They're funky tunes and they're fun to sing. When I'm jamming in my apartment I want to be mindless and unintelligent. I want to let my hair down and be able to jam to the song without paying all that much attention to the words. I require more from church. I just do. It's supposed to be worship. I find it hard to worship someone I'm lying to at the same time. Maybe lying to someone is some folks' way of worshiping. I guess it's called flattery. I don't know. It just doesn't work for me.
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
So, I left the play unaffected. I was as certain as I've been for this last year or so, that church isn't where I want to be right now. Not until I find a place that reinvents the idea in a more intelligent, non-rhetorical, non-programmatic, zombie-clone creating way.
I'll let you know when I find it.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
A Rant!
OK, here's where I am today. It's not eloquent. It's a rant. So deal.
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who I believe will be a friend for life, unlike many "friends" I feel like I have lost as a result of many things, not the least of which is this journey I'm on to figure out what I believe. I've lost some friends as in gone forever, yep, it's over, she's nutz, lost; and I've lost others in the, we'll stick around and just talk about safe topics because she's off her rocker on the stuff that will save her soul from hell fire. To both groups of people I say, good riddance!! If anyone else would like to join the party, please jump on board post haste. The ship is sailing.
GOD in heaven forbid that I have chosen to think for my damn self with regard to what I believe!! I don't understand why people, correction, Christian church-goers, get their drawers so up in a bunch over my struggle, my journey. I don't care if you used to look up to me. I don't care if I was the one who used to teach you. I don't care if I have some amazing power to influence you. NEWS FLASH: I shouldn't!!! Adults should think for themselves. Oh, wait. I forgot, that's forbidden by the Church. No individual, free-thinkers allowed. Only absolute, zombie conformists. Only parrots who can quote the pastor and the Bible verbatim...never mind the fact that they have no clue what either meant by said quote.
I just got into this discussion about how I should be careful who I share my thoughts with because I wouldn't want to "cause anybody to stumble". Listen, if you ask me, "Lexi, what church do you go to these days?" and I respond, "I don't go to church right now, I'm trying to figure out what I believe about all that. I'm sure about God, but church is up in the air for me," and you respond by, say, dropping out of church to wander around aimlessly trying to figure out what you believe about church since that's what's Lexi's doing, then you're an idiot. I'm not responsible for your choice. Christian church-goers, pull up a chair. Listen closely. ADULTS HAVE BRAINS. They should use them. Should they chose to let their brain function lie dormant and be led around by sermons and books and people who express a dissenting opinion, without running these ideas though their thought factory, their resulting choices are NOT the fault of the person whose thoughts they have hijacked. ADULTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEMSELVES. Geez, Louise!!!
Have I mentioned before that I am frustrated as hell that the church seems to be a place where everybody is expected to think the same way and be the same way? Well, if not, I just did. It makes me so angry. God didn't make us all different for us to spend our lives trying to figure out how to UN-do his creativity and diversity. Give me a break!!! Be your own person, for the love of GOD!!! I am not responsible for YOU. There are about 15 people on the planet who need to get that through their heads.
Do you know what I love most about where I am. I have a chance to sit on my living room floor, buck naked if I want to, and try to figure out ME and God. Nobody else. I don't have to be concerned about X and Y's marriage, X's infidelity, whether A and B are having pre-marital sex, whether or not C and D are going to tithe off of that huge bonus check C just raked in, whether in Bible study we need to focus on prayer lives (since D, E, F and G are struggling so much in that area), or if we should focus on gifts and callings (since H, I, J and K are ready to step up to walk in their calling). I'm so glad to have a relationship with God that has nothing to do with telling other people how to live their freaking lives. Does anybody else know what that feels like? What it looks like? If so, let me know. And give me the address to your church if, in fact, that's where you learned to be so....I don't know.....normal?
How about this? If I drink, curse, dance, decide not to be celibate, decide not to attend church or whatever the sin du jour is, SO WHAT??? My sins or lack thereof are between me and GOD. Guess what? I sinned when I was a pastor too!! NEWS FREAKIN' FLASH!!! Don't quote bible verses to me. I KNOW THEM ALL . I taught them to YOU. Release yourself of the need to worry about me. If you believe HALF of what you say you believe, I hope it's the half that includes the fact that GOD is bigger than YOU and he is so much more capable of handling me than you are. LET. HIM. Return to the business of what color tie to wear on communion Sundays or some other world-changing shit. I'm sorry to curse on this blog, but I'm mad and God already heard mE curse on my other blogs, so too late.
I never wanted to use this blog to defend myself, so I hope to heaven that this is the last such post, but for the record....here is where I am:
I. BELIEVE.GOD. I haven't turned my back on him or backslid [insert tongues and sarcasm]. I even hold the Bible in some regard (and yes, I'm still trying to figure out what that is), BUT (and I do mean a BUT as big as the one I sit upon) I think the Church has gotten TONS of what it says WRONG!!! I'm tired of feeling like I had to fit in a box that I knew had things, many things wrong with it, and worse, like I was responsible for cramming that down someone else's throat. I won't do it anymore and I.WON'T.GET.BACK.IN.THE.BOX just because it will make people more comfortable with me. If you're uncomfortable with me, stop talking to me like the rest of them. I've decide I won't miss you. The truth is I can't. You weren't my friend anyway, just the friend of the girl who tried to live in the box and play the part everybody would accept. Lexi is done with that. If you can handle Lexi, call me. If not, it's been real.
Peace.
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who I believe will be a friend for life, unlike many "friends" I feel like I have lost as a result of many things, not the least of which is this journey I'm on to figure out what I believe. I've lost some friends as in gone forever, yep, it's over, she's nutz, lost; and I've lost others in the, we'll stick around and just talk about safe topics because she's off her rocker on the stuff that will save her soul from hell fire. To both groups of people I say, good riddance!! If anyone else would like to join the party, please jump on board post haste. The ship is sailing.
GOD in heaven forbid that I have chosen to think for my damn self with regard to what I believe!! I don't understand why people, correction, Christian church-goers, get their drawers so up in a bunch over my struggle, my journey. I don't care if you used to look up to me. I don't care if I was the one who used to teach you. I don't care if I have some amazing power to influence you. NEWS FLASH: I shouldn't!!! Adults should think for themselves. Oh, wait. I forgot, that's forbidden by the Church. No individual, free-thinkers allowed. Only absolute, zombie conformists. Only parrots who can quote the pastor and the Bible verbatim...never mind the fact that they have no clue what either meant by said quote.
I just got into this discussion about how I should be careful who I share my thoughts with because I wouldn't want to "cause anybody to stumble". Listen, if you ask me, "Lexi, what church do you go to these days?" and I respond, "I don't go to church right now, I'm trying to figure out what I believe about all that. I'm sure about God, but church is up in the air for me," and you respond by, say, dropping out of church to wander around aimlessly trying to figure out what you believe about church since that's what's Lexi's doing, then you're an idiot. I'm not responsible for your choice. Christian church-goers, pull up a chair. Listen closely. ADULTS HAVE BRAINS. They should use them. Should they chose to let their brain function lie dormant and be led around by sermons and books and people who express a dissenting opinion, without running these ideas though their thought factory, their resulting choices are NOT the fault of the person whose thoughts they have hijacked. ADULTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEMSELVES. Geez, Louise!!!
Have I mentioned before that I am frustrated as hell that the church seems to be a place where everybody is expected to think the same way and be the same way? Well, if not, I just did. It makes me so angry. God didn't make us all different for us to spend our lives trying to figure out how to UN-do his creativity and diversity. Give me a break!!! Be your own person, for the love of GOD!!! I am not responsible for YOU. There are about 15 people on the planet who need to get that through their heads.
Do you know what I love most about where I am. I have a chance to sit on my living room floor, buck naked if I want to, and try to figure out ME and God. Nobody else. I don't have to be concerned about X and Y's marriage, X's infidelity, whether A and B are having pre-marital sex, whether or not C and D are going to tithe off of that huge bonus check C just raked in, whether in Bible study we need to focus on prayer lives (since D, E, F and G are struggling so much in that area), or if we should focus on gifts and callings (since H, I, J and K are ready to step up to walk in their calling). I'm so glad to have a relationship with God that has nothing to do with telling other people how to live their freaking lives. Does anybody else know what that feels like? What it looks like? If so, let me know. And give me the address to your church if, in fact, that's where you learned to be so....I don't know.....normal?
How about this? If I drink, curse, dance, decide not to be celibate, decide not to attend church or whatever the sin du jour is, SO WHAT??? My sins or lack thereof are between me and GOD. Guess what? I sinned when I was a pastor too!! NEWS FREAKIN' FLASH!!! Don't quote bible verses to me. I KNOW THEM ALL . I taught them to YOU. Release yourself of the need to worry about me. If you believe HALF of what you say you believe, I hope it's the half that includes the fact that GOD is bigger than YOU and he is so much more capable of handling me than you are. LET. HIM. Return to the business of what color tie to wear on communion Sundays or some other world-changing shit. I'm sorry to curse on this blog, but I'm mad and God already heard mE curse on my other blogs, so too late.
I never wanted to use this blog to defend myself, so I hope to heaven that this is the last such post, but for the record....here is where I am:
I. BELIEVE.GOD. I haven't turned my back on him or backslid [insert tongues and sarcasm]. I even hold the Bible in some regard (and yes, I'm still trying to figure out what that is), BUT (and I do mean a BUT as big as the one I sit upon) I think the Church has gotten TONS of what it says WRONG!!! I'm tired of feeling like I had to fit in a box that I knew had things, many things wrong with it, and worse, like I was responsible for cramming that down someone else's throat. I won't do it anymore and I.WON'T.GET.BACK.IN.THE.BOX just because it will make people more comfortable with me. If you're uncomfortable with me, stop talking to me like the rest of them. I've decide I won't miss you. The truth is I can't. You weren't my friend anyway, just the friend of the girl who tried to live in the box and play the part everybody would accept. Lexi is done with that. If you can handle Lexi, call me. If not, it's been real.
Peace.
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