To My Knees

I had an interesting moment Friday night. It brought me to a place I haven't been very frequently in the past year--to my knees. Let me see if I can explain it.

I was experiencing a tremendous amount of stress because I was feeling like I was at a place that required me to make some decisions and take action in a lot of different areas at once. My body has started to tell me when it's done dealing with the high stress levels. This time I broke out in hives three nights in a row. The worst ones I've ever had. I still have skin peeling from where I was scratching uncontrollably, without even realizing it. I knew, on the way home from work Friday, that I had reached a breaking point. A limit. Something needed to be released.

I went home and did something I haven't done since April. I picked up a journal and started writing about how I was feeling. I still don't know what I wrote. I didn't go back to read it. It was cathartic. I needed to get thoughts out to make room for me to process, and even pray.

I remember the last thoughts I wrote. They were about God. I expressed my frustration with not knowing what to expect from him. I am certain of God. If there's anything I am sure I believe; I'm sure I believe in God. My thing is that my most personal, connected, intimate moments with him have nothing at all to do with what I've been taught a relationship with God looks like. They weren't in a church, bible study or retreat. They didn't involve the Bible, a sermon, a book, a devotional or Christian radio or tv.

These moments didn't look or feel like anything anyone had ever said a moment with God should feel like. I was alone. I was usually surrounded by nature. I can describe my feelings generally as awestruck and humbled. I felt small in comparison to something incomprehensibly bigger than me, yet I felt significant and important. I felt like I had the attention of the universe. I've probably experienced feeling this connectedness a dozen or so times in my life, but they trump, by far, the sum total of my 30+ years of "experiences" with God in a church.

I was desperate on Friday night to feel connected to God again, yet something stood in the way. The relationship I've know with him all of my life was ridden with rules; finger-shaking; feeling obligated to take a position on something that can be interpreted in a multitude of ways and then teaching that position to others; feeling oppressed by the expectation that everyone should live their life this one certain way; and feeling like I needed to be someone other than myself to, at the very least, appear to be this one certain way. I needed God that night without all of this stuff that I feel is clogging and blocking a relationship with him. I needed God without books, without doctrines, without opinions and positions. I needed God without shoulds and shouldn'ts. I just needed to be me, completely me, before him-- for better or for worse.

I lit candles, turned on India.Arie's new CD, stretched out on the floor of my living room and cried my heart out. I felt like I was beginning, at least, to release much of the bitterness and anger I have for the church. I felt myself letting go of the pressure I put on myself to be what someone else thought I should be. I felt free to figure out my relationship with God on my terms in my time. I had questions. I needed answers. I had no idea how those answers would come to me. I wasn't open to "hearing from the Lord". But I needed guidance of some sort.

The words to this song assured me in some way that I am in a good place:

lyrics - i choose

When I finished "praying" there was a particular person I wanted to call. I called him. The conversation was the best we've had in years, in a way. I felt like there was progress and that there can be closure; and that the closure will still hurt if I'm honest with myself.

Then another friend called and helped me sort through one of the other decisions I was trying to make.

Then I got a call to go salsa dancing. All was right with the world. ;o)

No, seriously, I felt extremely serene. I felt ok with this journey again. I felt like I am still on track.