To My Knees

I had an interesting moment Friday night. It brought me to a place I haven't been very frequently in the past year--to my knees. Let me see if I can explain it.

I was experiencing a tremendous amount of stress because I was feeling like I was at a place that required me to make some decisions and take action in a lot of different areas at once. My body has started to tell me when it's done dealing with the high stress levels. This time I broke out in hives three nights in a row. The worst ones I've ever had. I still have skin peeling from where I was scratching uncontrollably, without even realizing it. I knew, on the way home from work Friday, that I had reached a breaking point. A limit. Something needed to be released.

I went home and did something I haven't done since April. I picked up a journal and started writing about how I was feeling. I still don't know what I wrote. I didn't go back to read it. It was cathartic. I needed to get thoughts out to make room for me to process, and even pray.

I remember the last thoughts I wrote. They were about God. I expressed my frustration with not knowing what to expect from him. I am certain of God. If there's anything I am sure I believe; I'm sure I believe in God. My thing is that my most personal, connected, intimate moments with him have nothing at all to do with what I've been taught a relationship with God looks like. They weren't in a church, bible study or retreat. They didn't involve the Bible, a sermon, a book, a devotional or Christian radio or tv.

These moments didn't look or feel like anything anyone had ever said a moment with God should feel like. I was alone. I was usually surrounded by nature. I can describe my feelings generally as awestruck and humbled. I felt small in comparison to something incomprehensibly bigger than me, yet I felt significant and important. I felt like I had the attention of the universe. I've probably experienced feeling this connectedness a dozen or so times in my life, but they trump, by far, the sum total of my 30+ years of "experiences" with God in a church.

I was desperate on Friday night to feel connected to God again, yet something stood in the way. The relationship I've know with him all of my life was ridden with rules; finger-shaking; feeling obligated to take a position on something that can be interpreted in a multitude of ways and then teaching that position to others; feeling oppressed by the expectation that everyone should live their life this one certain way; and feeling like I needed to be someone other than myself to, at the very least, appear to be this one certain way. I needed God that night without all of this stuff that I feel is clogging and blocking a relationship with him. I needed God without books, without doctrines, without opinions and positions. I needed God without shoulds and shouldn'ts. I just needed to be me, completely me, before him-- for better or for worse.

I lit candles, turned on India.Arie's new CD, stretched out on the floor of my living room and cried my heart out. I felt like I was beginning, at least, to release much of the bitterness and anger I have for the church. I felt myself letting go of the pressure I put on myself to be what someone else thought I should be. I felt free to figure out my relationship with God on my terms in my time. I had questions. I needed answers. I had no idea how those answers would come to me. I wasn't open to "hearing from the Lord". But I needed guidance of some sort.

The words to this song assured me in some way that I am in a good place:

lyrics - i choose

When I finished "praying" there was a particular person I wanted to call. I called him. The conversation was the best we've had in years, in a way. I felt like there was progress and that there can be closure; and that the closure will still hurt if I'm honest with myself.

Then another friend called and helped me sort through one of the other decisions I was trying to make.

Then I got a call to go salsa dancing. All was right with the world. ;o)

No, seriously, I felt extremely serene. I felt ok with this journey again. I felt like I am still on track.

I'm Still Here...

So, here's where I am in this:

• I still can't bring myself to go to church. It bothers me way too much, for so many reasons.
• I am learning everyday that we really don't know very much at all.
• Believing requires conceding that you don't know.
• I don't like ignorant defensiveness. I don't think you can vehemently defend something you've never challenged.

So, in all my challenging and not knowing, I absolutely broke down last night. This is very frustrating and I am angered by the temptations to simply "go with what you know." That's not good enough for me. It's blind and lazy. I won't be either.

I know that Christians are wrong about so much. I know that each Christian is an individual and that I can't lump them all in one box. And I know that I'm going to spend some time talking to other people who believe very differently. I want to get an idea for how other people have come to what they hold as belief, as faith.

Other than that...I'm still here...in this journey.

What is truth?

That's it. Just that question.

Any thoughts?

It's Been a While

I haven't posted anything on this site in quite a while. I don't know if it's because I haven't been making any progress along this journey or what. I think I burnt out. I overloaded on information, opinions, perspectives and I needed a break.

During this break I felt motivated to go to church once. I feel like a spectator when I'm there. The longer I am away, the stranger the "place" seems to me. I recently saw a commercial of a priest eating a Father's Day Carvel ice cream cake that the "sisters" had bought for him. There was the implied joke that he's not really a "father" but he wanted the cake. It made me think of being in church and being referred to as "daughter" by a pastor or two. It made me cringe. From my spectator vantage point, I am bewildered by what it is that causes reasonable, rational adults to subjugate themselves to the leadership of a man who gets to tell them how they should live. And further baffled by said voluntary subjugation to someone who blantantly makes it clear (by calling you daughter) that he thinks you are inferior to him in some way. It annoys me.

I don't think I'll ever be able to do church on the terms I've done it all my life (especially the last 9 or 10 years) ever again. The idea of church really, really annoys me right now. I can't put my finger on why...and I guess I'll be working on it...but it really does. And it's not as simple as, "you will never find a perfect church". That's not it at all. It's not A church that bothers me right now...it's CHURCH as a concept. It feels smothering. I feel myself enjoying living independently apart from what I perceive as an institution (maybe a community) whose goal is to acheive conformity, to make everyone think the same thing, believe the same thing, be the same thing. That bothers me tremendously.

Yet, I would still consider myself a Christian. Probably not the best example of a christian (if you are looking for someone who looks, acts, speaks like she's supposed to look, act, speak). I'm a pretty raw christian right now. And, while that's ok for me, for where I am in the journey...it's not cool for a bunch of christians. I don't know why I care, but I obviously do because it keeps coming up in my rants.

Here's a good example of where I am:

I'm in the process of evaluating some "next steps" for myself regarding career paths. I'm at a point (in the process of divorcing) that I have to face the real possibility of facing life alone, and therefore have to make choices for my financial stability. As I am weighing the options, I already know that I will scream at (and probably smack with a wet dishrag) the person who says, "have you prayed about it?" or "What has God said about it?" or any derivitive thereof.

That's just where I'm at. What can I say?

If Being A Christian Means...

Last night I read the most compelling depiction of a Christian ever. It made me close the book, sigh, turn off my light, settle into my pillow and pull my comforter up nice and snug and whisper, "now THAT makes me want to be a Christian!"

I am finally wrapping up A Generous Orthodoxy and McClaren's chapter, "Why I am Incarnational" moved me like none other. I won't attempt a trite summary of a very long, complex and provocative chapter, but I will highly recommend that anyone with frustrations about or dreams for the church read this book and this chapter in particular.

I believe I am beginning to see redemption in a very different light, in a broader context, through a much wider lense. I can be a Christian if that means that it is sinful for me to consider myself superior to my neighbors of other religious traditions. I can be a Christian if that means that my "prime directive" is to love the God of the universe and be transformed so that I can, in turn love all of his creation, with the hope of the priviledge of participating (however minimally) in his work of redeeming his creation. I can be a Christian if that means that participating in God's work of redeeming others is inextricable from his work of redeeming me. I can be a Christian who shares her faith with someone of another faith, if humility requires that I be open to what I can learn from theirs as well (my own redemption). I can be a Christian if that means that I am redeemed by the God of the universe, following the way of Jesus, humbled by God's limitless means to reach the hearts of all men, of all faiths and cultures. If that's what being a Christian is about, I can do this.

On Sin...and other stuff

It has been a while since I've had anything to say about what I am discovering along this journey.

I have tried to pack God away in a sense to see if there were any way possible to do life without Him (it wasn't a deliberate as it sounds -- but hindsight is 20/20). Here are some of my efforts:

1. Stopped Going To Church - as IF that's the only place he is and as if by avoiding it, I could avoid him. Hasn't worked.
2. Stopped Praying - this has been an interesting attempt. I already have never had a conventional prayer life. I connect best with God through writing, that's how I "pray best", or at least deepest and most authentically. So, I put down my journal because if I write, I can't successfully avoid him.
3. Stopped Reading the Bible - I gave this up a while ago. I became so angry with how I perceived its use in the church (and disgusted, quite frankly) that I turned on it. I decided that I needed a break to decide for myself what I believe the Bible is (and to separate that from what I was experiencing) before I try to pick it up again.

The one thing I haven't done (which seems like it would have been the most obvious) is stop hanging around his people. They are the one's I felt I was reacting so strongly against. I have remained surrounded by and intimately connected to Christians throughout this process. But, not the Christians you would think. I've been around Christians whose marriage has survived infidelity and sex addiction and child sexual abuse; and around singles who are struggling with sexuality and with dissatisfaction with "doing church" just to please those around them; and with Christians whose marriage is teatering on the threshold of an affair; and who have been divorced and are now re-married. Christians who yell at their kids sometimes, curse and get frustrated, who question their own motives as racist or sexist or selfish. In short, I've been interacting with Christians who sin! Imagine that-- a group of Christians who are authentic, who have been honest with themselves and with me about the logs in their eyes. Christians who love God and are learning what it means to be his child and sit at his feet and wait as he works on his masterpiece. These Christians have refreshed me and inspire me today to want to engage with God again (although none of my efforts at avoidance have really been successful). God has been and is pursuing me, in spite of me, no matter which turns I take.

I realize that when studying theology one is usually encouraged to do it "systematically". Well, my order of things is probably a bit unorthodox in that I'm going to skip over some areas that I haven't finished developing to get to a conclusion I've come to today.

On Sin...

Man is fallen and as such will consistently and creatively sin. We are in a relationship with our Creator who allows us to know truth, examine our life in light of that truth and walk through the phases and stages of life's ups and downs with him so that we are transformed.

I believe the Gospel invites us to be transformed (as opposed to bullies us into looking sinless, by classifying sin as "acceptable" and "unacceptable", and thereby driving our sin underground where it becomes more incidious and life-destroying).

I am SO grateful for friends who are Christians and understand both the nature of man and the nature of sin; and who get what it means to be in the process of transformation. I am thankful...no, more than thankful....I am deeply blessed, richly loved and daily shown "in the flesh" what His love is like for me through their patience with own transformation.

On "Folk Religion"

I started reading Roger Olson's A Mosaic of Christian Belief last night. The discussion about North American Christianity being reduced to a "folk religion" really caught my attention. While I acknowledge the myriad of problems inherent among folk religions, I was left with this question: Was Christianity intended to be a religion of the learned? of the elite? of the intellectuals?

Then, of course, there is the question of whether Christianity is (or is intended to be) a religion at all. If it is a way of life, is it that for all people or only those educated enough to understand it well? Is the gospel "simple, full and free"? Or is it buried, hidden somewhere within the pricey scholarly volumes that are quickly taking over my bookshelf?

I am struggling. I'm struggling to understand my faith and truly know what I believe, but at the same time to not imagine myself as part of a elite bunch who really get it. I really need prayer for grace here. Knowledge's tendency to puff-up is palpable right about now for me. I share Olson's frustrations with the folk religion Christianity is becoming in North America...but I still need it to be the "faith of the folk", if you know what I mean. I think there is so much for us to learn about "the way of Christ" from the simple, the poor, and the illiterate. Perhaps, no, I'm pretty sure Olson wasn't referring to these people as contributing to the phenomenon as much as he was to the educated who choose to hold their faith in ignorance and therefore breed heresy.

Can I say that I hate that I even used the words ignorance and heresy in that last statement? Yuck. They make me very uncomfortable. I'll be exploring why that is. Please be praying.

Shalom.

GO:Chapter 2: Jesus and God B

Jesus and God B

1. What does it mean to call Jesus “Son of God”? Has this chapter affected your understanding of this name in any way?

This question has caused me to think a lot these couple of weeks. In short, to me the term means “the spitting image of God”. But I really don’t believe I have thought of Jesus as this very much at all. Maybe I’ve considered him “somewhat like God”, “looking a little like God”, “God minus a little bit”, but not “God, period!” I have addressed this a little in a previous post, so I won’t belabor the point here. Suffice it say that I’ve failed to consider Christ’s humanity as part of and representative of the nature of God.

2. If in Jesus, “the word God itself is reimagined” (page 82), what are the implications for how we live and relate to God?

First of all, to imagine God as a less “other-worldly”, power-driven, distant judge and as actually having more in common with me than I’ve ever thought about before begs for me to relate to him differently. I don't think I fully grasp or benefit from the idea of a God longing to be in relationship with me or a God who, in the process of saving the world, is inviting me to change (to a new way of life) to be a part of the whole process. On some level I think his image is greatly distorted for me by the leaders of his church. I see him , at times, as condemning and finger-shaking and therefore conclude, "why bother?" I've got a lot of work to do to silence the voices in my head who claim to have been speaking for God, but whose message is so different from the one I'm beginning to consider here.

3. What are your thoughts on the issue of pronouns for God?

I’m a languages person, so I fully understand and relate to the frustration of English’s limitationss on this one. I think I’ve always imagined God as male, and challenging this at a time when I am having some pretty strong reactions to what I perceive as sexism in the kingdom is significant. I agree wholeheartedly that the biblical imagery of a male God (Father and Son) have contributed to patriarchalism and chauvinism in the church.

This stirs up so much for me as I prepare to re-engage with Scripture. I am curious to see what it will be like to read a God that is more like the man Jesus I’m reading about, and at the same time to imagine a genderless God. I’m wondering if this will eliminate some of what I consider the “lens” I’ve come to read scripture through. As much as I know the lens of my teaching is distorting what I see in scripture, I still read a Bible that gives lip-service to the equality of women and treats them as second class citizens.

I’m going on and on off the subject. Sorry.

4. What if anything, appeals to you about removing “the macho-power and patriarchal-dominance ideas often associated with God” (page 84) Or do you think McLaren is on the wrong track about this?

I think McLaren is on the right track with this one. Jesus is not portrayed as the macho-powerful, patriarchally dominant potentate that we so often ascribe to God. I am intrigued by this idea and eager to try out the idea as I study Jesus. We shall see.

5. If God is “a unified, eternal, mysterious, relational, community/family/society/entity of saving love” (page 85) how do you think he wants you to relate to him? To each other? To non-Christians? (Or if you think this view of God is all wet, say why?

I think this is a refreshing picture of God and quite frankly more accurate, not to mention appealing, when I compare it to how God reveals himself in Christ. This is what I like about how the Eastern Orthodox treat Christ. They seem to get this relational God and his invitation to us to participate in his kingdom (community). I think he wants us to continue to invite others to the community (to redemption) through real relationship and love.

6. How would you describe the universe you live in- more like universe A or universe B (page 85) or if you live in universe C or D, or you’d like to describe A in a more generous term, talk about that.

I believe we live in universe B, understanding that relationship, interdependence, responsibility, becoming, possibility and freedom come at a great price. They are riddled with pain and suffering and graciously balanced with joy.

7. Millions of people believe in God A. So what might be desirable about universe A?

There is little uncertainty. There is a bottom line and clear-cut answers, in theory, at least.

8. Does this chapter overlook anything you think is important to say about Jesus As Son of God? If so, what?

GO: Chapter 1: The Seven Jesuses

Chapter 1

1. What to you are the strengths of each of the following:

The Conservative Protestant Jesus:

a. Re-establishment of a relationship with God has been done for us
b. Introduces a compassionate God who has moved towards us to draw us to him
c. Provides an answer for what happens after this life

The Pentecostal/Charismatic Jesus:

a. He is present, concerned and involved in the day to day life of the believer.

The Roman Catholic Jesus:

a. Provides hope for a better life
b. Provides comfort for the sorrows of this life (the hope of a better life later)
c. Is present, concerned and involved in daily life of believers

The Eastern Orthodox Jesus:

a. Offers redemption for all of creation
b. Portrays God’s concern for the whole world
c. Calls believers to be Christ-like rather than mandate what Christ-like should be.

The Liberal Protestant Jesus:

a. Calls us to spread the infection started by the incarnation
b. Invites us to seek practical, contemporary meaning and instruction from scripture
c. Calls us to put our money where our mouth is and live something rather than just believe something

The Anabaptist Jesus:

a. Sees the church as a band of equals in community living out the teachings of Jesus.

The Jesus of the Oppressed:

a. Pays attention to the oppressed and to seeking social justice
b. Challenges the powers that be
c. Revolutionary, calls us to think about the whole society and balancing of power and privilege.

2. Do you have any reservations about any of the Jesuses? If so, what are they?

PCJ – too limited a scope, all about missing hell and getting others to do the same.
CPJ – all about heaven or hell, community at large matters little, about rules, who’s right and who’s wrong.
RCJ – similarly simplistically focused on the beyond, answers questions doesn’t call us to much it seems.
EOJ – ummm, I like him
LPJ – confusion about significance of Scripture
AJ – what about the larger community than the local?
JO – can produce us/them towards privileged and powerful

3. What role (if any) has the Conservative Protestant Jesus played in your life? For instance, how has the focus on moral guilt affected your priorities and choices?

Much more than I thought. Reading this section has helped me see how much I really have recently reduced my vision of Christianity to precisely this: resolving the issue of sin. I am re-evaluating my entire faith largely because of this issue of moral guilt, my own and the Church’s treatment of others’ (i.e. homosexuals, other outcasts). This is interesting. It makes me wonder how I would be different if I were to focus on loving the outcast above dealing with her sin. Wow. I never thought about how limiting our perception Christ limits, so drastically, our ability to do what he’s called us to. And, the sad thing is that we don’t even realize how limited our scope really is.

4. Should heaven-or-hell be the top issue on the Christian agenda? What makes you say that?

No. The Bible really doesn’t talk about it all that much in comparison to how we live and love on a daily basis. But again, it’s the in and out question. Isn’t it important to be in, hence, miss hell? Is the Good News the good news to the Christians (hell escapers) or to the world?

5. Do you experience Jesus as “here-and-now present, active, alive and well” (page 58)? If so, describe what you mean by that. If not, is that okay with you?

Yes, assuming I believe Jesus is God (patience please, I am reconstructing what I believe one step at a time), I sense his presence daily. I believe he is who calls me to examine my life and motives and change what I can change and hope for change for that which is beyond me at any point in time. But, though I believe this, it bothers me that I don’t invite him into more of my daily life and concerns.

6. How important to you is justice for non-Christians? Why is that?

Very important because I don’t believe God called us to a faith of the elite. He desires good and justice for all people, not just those who believe in him.

7. What role do you think living out the meaning of the gospel miracles (page 68) should have in your life?

Top priority! I think living out my personal faith will forever be more significant than what I can teach or say about it.

8. Which aspects of Jesus (his birth, life, death, resurrection, the sending of the Spirit, and so on) do you need more of in your life right now? Why?

I need more of Jesus’ life and birth right now. I need to be more aware of his presence not only with me, but among us in the world and in his people and of how he moves and does what he did in scripture still. I need to see practical Christianity for it to be real to me or even credible.

9. Which of the seven Jesuses do you want to learn more about?

Anabaptist
Jesus of the Oppressed
Eastern Orthodox

GO: Chapter 0: A Generous Refund -Discussion Questions

Chapter 0

1. What draws you to read this book?

I am a burned out ex-church leader who is disgusted with conditions within the church, frustrated with the in-fighting and claims to have cornered truth, confused about what I believe and what is the essence of Christianity. This book seems to acknowledge the problems and my frustration and at the same time does not presume to have the answers. I am looking for a guide through my own questioning more so than someone to tell me what I should think or believe or be.

2. Which (if any) of the 6 categories of people on pages 19-22 describes you? What about the audience he describes on pages 44-45?

I am already a Christian, struggling, questioning and looking for a reason to stay in. I am a Christian who is about to leave because I feel there is no room for me, no freedom or tolerance for my questions, no place for being neither a conservative nor a liberal Christian.

3. On page 27, McLaren says he has sometimes intentionally gone out of his way to be “provocative, mischievous and unclear.” Why do you think he does this?

To get the reader to ask her own questions, become aware of that which does not make sense to her that he may have mentioned. I think it’s purpose is to generate discussion, to make the reader thirsty, to invigorate discussion and evaluation and re-evaluation of what orthodoxy is and what is orthodox or what can be. And, to distinguish himself from those who dare to offer the definitive answers.

4. What is your initial reaction to the definition of orthodoxy on page 32: “what God knows, some of which we believe a little, some of which they believe a little, and about which we all have a lot to learn”?

On one hand it makes me uncomfortable. I gravitate towards certainty and to say that we can both be right in part, or neither at all is unsettling. But on the other hand it is refreshing. It is a statement of what I believe to be true in that the finite mind can never fully comprehend and infinite God. We kid ourselves to think we can or have.

5. What does McLaren mean by the “accumulating-opinion style orthodoxy” (page 33)? How do you respond to the way he views that approach?

He means writing new rules, more rules to fit/control/contain changing times and culture. Our culture is evolving and new issues beg a response from the Church. These responses become mantras and get assimilated into “orthodoxy”, an accumulating orthodoxy. I agree that this approach is increasingly cumbersome and misses the point of the gospel. The point is not to amass more law unto ourselves, as if somehow by them we shall be saved or even better. The gospel is simple, but we are making it more complicated in an effort, in my opinion to do ourselves what only God can do—heal the heart of man and save our world.

6. In your own words, what does he mean by humility (page 34)? Charity? Courage? Diligence?

Humility-the ability to admit that we don’t know it all, won’t know it all, have been wrong and will be again.

Charity-the willingness to consider that they just may be right, or more right, and able to teach us something

Courage-the conviction to live what you believe, or think you believe, to the best of your ability unless and until you know better or different

Diligence-the tenacity to keep questioning and considering that there will always be more to learn, re-learn, and unlearn


7. McLaren treats orthodoxy “as a tool or means to achieve orthopraxy” (page 35). What does he mean? What do you think are the pros and cons of this view of orthodoxy?

He means that there is an end to the pursuit of orthodoxy and it is not knowledge for knowledge’s sake, it is practice. (How then shall we live?) I think the pros of this view are that it gives purpose to our pursuit beyond the arrogance that can come with gaining knowledge. The practical application of truth is a nobler accomplishment than its attainment. But, viewing orthodoxy as requiring a behavioral response can be risky. One might be inclined to evade pursing something more if he is called to respond than if only asked to know.

8. At this beginning stage, what is your understanding of the term generous orthodoxy?

At this stage generous orthodoxy seems to be the pursuit of truth that is neither absolute nor relative, but allows for the possibility of both/and as much as neither/nor. It gives permission for both us and them to be right in areas and to learn from one another in others. It allows for the possibility of various possibilities within constraints.

So Much to Read, So Little....Money!

I am knee deep in A Generous Orthodoxy and planning to post my responses to some of the most intriguing discussion questions I've encountered so far. I look forward to a dialogue with those who are reading it or have read it. Please post, even...especially if you're just surfing in.

But, reading this has whet my appetite to read so much more. The problem, I have had to ban myself from the bookstore because I have far exceeded my book budget for...months! While I can understand the practical suggestion to get a library card, that just doesn't work for me. I'm not that kind of reader. I need my own book to break in, mark up (should that be necessary), dog-ear, and ultimately to refer to in the months and years to come. Borrowing just won't do. So, instead, I've chosen to be presumptuous enough to post a link to my Wish List on Amazon.com.

Should you feel inclined to furnish more kindling for this fire burning within me, it would be so cool, not to mention kind and generous. (Or you can just check it out to see what things have been stirred up in me).

OK, enough said. Here it is: http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/registry.html/103-5492696-7799823?%5Fencoding=UTF8&type=wishlist&id=1FA0L26HCAEG

Thanks.

A Limited Vantage Point

I am realizing that Christians in large part, especially those who like me have inherited their faith, are born into a very particular Christian tradition. My perspective on Christianity is very limited. I was born into an African Methodist Episcopal family (both sides), jumped ship at 16 to become Pentecostal and ran like the wind from that at the end of college to a small non-denominational hodge-podge of the traditions we all came out of, highly influenced by the Conservative Protestant and Pentecostal traditions. In short, I have only considered Christianity from this very limited vantage point.

There is a history of believers with vast and varied perspectives that I was simply not exposed to, nor encouraged to explore. I remember feeling an internal cringe at the mention of any denomination that was not my own, as if lepers or the like were being spoken of. (Not at all that lepers would deserve that response, it certainly wasn’t Christ’s. Pardon the figure of speech.) There was very little discussion of what made us all Christian, just condescending criticism of (oddly not OUR differences but) THEIR differences. I truly identify with the notion that WE are keepers of the truth and THEY are deviants.

Today I sense the scales falling from my eyes and am hungry to learn more about other Christians past, present, near and far.

If anyone has any suggestions for reading or people to talk to who can represent their tradition well and are disposed to answer the questions of someone with tons of them, please let me know.

Jesus = God?

Another realization hit me last night as I was reading. I have a different conceptualizaton of Jesus and of God.

When I think of Jesus, the Son of Man, I picture him in his humanity and conceptualize the kind of guy I think he was: kind, loving, gentle, compassionate, real, relational, just, experiencing a full range of emotions. But a normal human nonetheless.

But somewhere along the line, or at least at certain points in time, I've failed to allow the picture of Jesus, the man portrayed in Scripture (the express image of an invisible God), to inform my conceptualization of God the Father. Somehow, in many ways I imagine God the Father as different than God the Son. When I think of Father I think of him as: powerful, authoritative, judge. Yes, still loving and compassionate, but there's something about "God will strike you down" that I ascribe to Father and not Son.

Jesus was completely human and I am beginning to realize that his humanity does not exist apart from or above and beyond his reflection of the image of God, but that his humanity reflects the image of the Father as well: i.e., sense of humor, desire for community, relationship and all that that entails (flexibility, respect, boundaries, honor, etc.)

I'm interested to see how the awareness of this split in my mind will impact how I read God the Father when I go back to the gospels.

Interesting. Am I alone in this?

1st Presupposition to Surface

I'm reading Brian McLaren's A Generous Orthodoxy. I'm finding it to be the perfect place to start tilling the ground where my own presuppositions are concerned. There is a lot in the forwards and introduction, and Chapter 0 that has stirred things up and got me thinking, but this statement has me captivated:

For too many people the name Jesus has become a symbol of exclusion, as if Jesus' statement, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father except through me," actually means, "I am in the way of people seeking truth and life. I won't let anyone get to God unless he comes through me." The name of Jesus, whose life and message resonated with acceptance, welcome and inclusion, has too often become a symbol of elitism, exclusion and aggression. (McLaren, 78)

(There is obviously a context for this statement by McLaren that I am neglecting to reiterate here. This is probably the last time I'll include this disclaimer, hence the reference information.)

I realize that:

1. This is what I have assumed Jesus' statement means, which has led me to predictable questions like the one about the natives in the rainforest who never hear the gospel.
2. There is something about this view of this verse that has never set right with me, but I could never put my finger on it. I was taught that Jesus is the only way, period. (Read: If you don't hear the gospel and "get saved" you have no access to God, not even to have your prayers heard. Because, obviously, the only prayer God hears from a "sinner" is the prayer of repentance.)
3. This is the first presupposition to be unearthed in this journey that I now realize I have spent 20 years struggling to believe.

This is one of the tough questions for me. I am dissatisfied and frankly annoyed with those who have the simple answer to this one. I'll be working on it.

In the meantime, no answers. Just wondering. Any thoughts?

Reading for the Journey

Here's what I'm chewing on for the next 40 days in place of flesh, dairy and sugar:

A Generous Orthodoxy, Brian McLaren:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0310257476/sr=8-1/qid=1141426112/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-8156972-1474448?%5Fencoding=UTF8

The Case for Faith, Lee Strobel:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0762421037/sr=8-2/qid=1141426264/ref=pd_bbs_2/002-8156972-1474448?%5Fencoding=UTF8

Mosaic of Christian Belief, Roger Olson:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0830826955/sr=8-1/qid=1141426327/ref=sr_1_1/002-8156972-1474448?%5Fencoding=UTF8

Systematic Theology, Wayne Grudem:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0310286700/sr=8-1/qid=1141426363/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-8156972-1474448?%5Fencoding=UTF8

Love Your God With All Your Mind: The Role of Reason in the Life of the Soul, James Porter Moreland:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1576830160/sr=8-1/qid=1141426541/ref=sr_1_1/002-8156972-1474448?%5Fencoding=UTF8

OH MY God....

OH MY! When I said I was convinced God was with me in this journey, I had NO idea what I was talking about.

I just got back from Borders. I went to buy a couple of theology books I’ve been putting off for a long time. I had 2 in my hands and I was walking up and down the aisles looking for a General Religion section. I wanted a general, broad stroke book on world religions. That’s when I ran into this man. He was probably in is early sixties, dark, heavy, gray-haired Black man in old jeans, carrying a bag with what looked like all his worldlies in it. He looked at me and said, “Hey there sister, pray for me when you go to church ok? The name is Michael.” I said ok that I would and I repeated his name so I wouldn’t forget it. I kept walking up the aisle thinking how CRAZILY ironic it was that this guy was asking ME to pray for him when I go to church. I have no idea when that will be, so I prayed for him quickly in my head, noting that I left off the “in Jesus’ name” part.

I keep walking up and down the aisles looking for this world religions book and I run into him again and here goes the rest of the conversation:

Mike: So, sister, where do you go to church?

Lexi: Umm, I’m kinda up in the air about that right now.

(conversation about where he was from-Boston-how he’s a “walker”, history of the city, what he’s seen since he’s been in DC, etc.)

Mike: So, you’re seeking? Trying to decide…

Lexi: Trying to figure out what I believe.

Mike: Are you…?

Lexi: A Christian? Yeah. I pastored a church with my husband for 9 years.

Mike: I knew it. Listen to me sister (points finger at me) you are needed. The church needs you. You may wander about for a while and even look into all these other religions, but you always come back home. The church needs you. You have been through a lot. There are wounded women, people who have been molested who need you, need to hear what you have to say. Listen, the Church is afraid. I love the church, but the Church is afraid to talk about abuse and molestation, prostitution and abortion. I know. I’ve had my own children aborted.

There is so much stuff that has happened and it’s easy to be bitter because you’ve been hurt. I don’t know if it was a divorce or what happened with you and your husband, but that’s none of my business. Don't let bitterness and anger keep you away from what God has from you. I know you can be in there exegeting Hebrew and Greek one minute and then a flash from whatever happened enters you mind and all that goes out the window when the anger and pain rushes in. I know how it is, I've been there.

But,YOU are needed. You may run away, but you won’t go far, you know where home is. Young women need people to talk about this stuff. And not just the women, the boys are being molested and raped right in the church. We don’t want to talk about the DL and all that kind of stuff, but people have been wounded. That's what's happening to our men and women. That’s why they are building so many more women’s prisons nowadays. Wounded people don’t have anyone to talk to. You’re needed sister. The church needs leadership. You keep searching, you’ll come home.

Lexi: (Crying at this point) Mike, you will never know how much this conversation has meant to me. Thank you so much.

Mike: I don’t know why I’m saying this to you, but it’s not about charismatic or this way or that way. There are people who are hurting and they need help, period. You are already helping people, but the Church needs you sister. You’re needed.

Lexi: You know, I was just looking for the General Religion section for a book on world religions and I can’t find it, instead here I am talking to you.

Mike: You read and study. I did the same thing, Buddhism, this one, that one. Do what you need to but know that you have gifts, you’re needed. You’ll come home.

(My co-worker walks past. I speak. She is white.)

Mike: And there's so much racial healing that has to take place. God doesn't want us living in the past. We keep wanting to look back. Look at you and your friend. He's doing something there. I don't know what it is but God wants us moving forward, not living in the past.

Lexi: Thank you so much, Mike.

Mike: You go on, don't let me hold you. God bless you, Sister.
----------------------

OK, I don’t even want to mention how I walked away from the conversation and went to 2 more aisles and back to the one we were in and he was nowhere to be found, because that just sounds too creepy. Things like this happen to people I think are weirdos, not to me.

I found the world religions book but by this time had totally lost interest.

Oh my, to be pursued by the God of the Universe! Amazing.

On God...so far

I am convinced of the following:

• He is.
• He always has been.
• He always will be.
• He is good.
• He is infinite.
• He is incomprehensible to the finite mind.
• He is Creator.
• All that is created is his.
• He knows everything simultaneously.
• Nothing happens apart from his knowledge.
• He is the source of life.

Amazing

Amazing is a word that is over-the-top overused nowadays. But it is the only one I can think of as I stand in awe of my God. Words are so limiting. I am certain that He is amazing in ways our finite minds can not comprehend.

Today I am reminded of how utterly creative He is and that He most definitely is not a one-size-fits-all God. Here’s why. My greatest fear in life is miscarriage. It may seem completely irrational. I have never been pregnant and at this point in my life, have no plans for pregnancy at all. But I fear losing a pregnancy more than I fear losing my own life. It is a nightmare to consider, arguably my worst nightmare. Yet, yesterday I sat in the emergency room with a dear friend who was experiencing a miscarriage. For her, it was an experience of God’s amazing grace towards her. She walked away from the experience more convinced than ever that her faith is in a God who’s real and who really cares about her.

And what’s more amazing is that God put us in the experience together. He put me face-to-face with my worst fear. And he put her with someone who was more afraid of what was happening to her, perhaps, than she was. When she cried out in pain and said, “Alexis I’m scared”, all I could say was, “I’m scared too. Let’s get you to the hospital.” If I were God and running the show, I never would have sent her me.

God calls us sheep. I’m guessing that’s not because we’re cute and cuddly. It probably means we’re dumb and desperately in need of guidance every step of the way, because what makes the most sense to us will get us killed or drive us far away from moments that we could never craft for ourselves in which he reveals himself to us in amazing ways. I am convinced that we can not find our own way in this world, no matter how much we want to. This life is bigger than me, an individual, and my plans for my individual life. I am convinced that our lives are connected in ways we can’t fathom and that are part of God’s purpose.

I was confused about where to post this today, so I’ve put it in both places. As much as this experience was about friendship it was about faith. I’m even more convinced today that God is with me in this journey.

Diving In

This is a journey I have been afraid to begin. I have feared unpacking and examining what I believe too closely--like if I looked at anyone one thing too long it would disappear, and the next and the next until I am left with nothing, without faith. But someone asked me what, if anything, I am certain of. I am certain of God. He is. He is good.

There may be other things that I come back to and in retrospect decide that I was certain of all along. But for now, this is my bedrock. I am opening everything else up for examination: Christ, the Church, the Bible, it's doctrines, salvation, eternity, man. On many of these I think I know what I believe. But thinking I know is not good enough for me anymore. I want to be sure of, at the very least, what I can be sure of.

This is a scavenger hunt for truth. It is spiritual as much as it is scholarly. I am thirsty for truth and for even knowing what truth is. I am open to suggested reading, to the thoughts of the community of those who believe, whatever they believe. I am willing to sort through the different perspectives to gain understanding and to sure up my own.

I need a starting point. Today I thought of starting with my Bible and I cried. I realized as much as I want (and I do desperately want) to believe that it is truth, I am skeptical. It is so difficult for me to read it right now and not notice from time to time that I am reading through a lens. How do you pack away your presuppositions and just see truth? How do you pack away the presuppositions of others that have been hammered over your head for decades and see truth?

Oh, I am sure of one more thing: I am HIS. He is with me in this journey. He will lead me to truth.