This month has been pretty interesting with respect to this journey. Easter came and went and I didn't even really notice, except that my mom asked me if I was going to dinner at Granny's. That usually means a major holiday is on the horizon. Then I considered appealing to my boss that we should be allowed to leave work early on Good Friday since it was an important day to Christians and all. I decided that I couldn't effectively pull that one off, as she knows where I am in terms of re-evaluating my belief system as much as anyone who's in contact with me these days.
I have had quite a few interesting conversations with people about religion and what they believe. One such conversation was with someone I know who considers herself Pagan. She is an atheistic Pagan (as I have learned that there is great diversity among Pagans). This conversation led me to put feet to my notion that I was in the process of learning about other religions. I've been saying that that was something I've been working on in this journey, but the truth is that I bought a couple of books and I haven't really read them yet, or done much else for that matter. In the middle of my conversation with her I googled "Unitarian Universalism". I figured this would be my best shot at a one stop shop to learn a little about a variety of different belief systems and thereby compare them to my own to evaluate what I really hold to and what I'm not so sure about. It seemed like a safe enough place to question my own Christian beliefs, even if I don't agree with the beliefs of the others around me. I decided to give them a try.
The service felt just like church. The congregation I went to was rather traditional in that the place looked like a church, there was a minister and a choir and song books...you know, like church. The Sunday I went was a special music service, so basically the choir was in charge of the whole shebang. They sang songs from different traditions and the choir director gave the historical context for each song, as well as the spiritual components that each song highlighted. I think most of the songs were Christian, as I knew a whole bunch of them. One was an African-American spiritual. I remember there was one from Costa Rica; I think it was from an earth-based tradition. There were a couple that weren't in English, one in particular was from an African tradition. There were interesting concepts in each of them and the connection between them was the concept of Spirit.
I didn't exactly know what to make of it when I left and I'm not sure I know now. I don't know that I want to be a Unitarian Universalist, but I do want to be in that space right now while I work through my own theology. (Yes, I am sure that it is a theology, because I am certain that I believe in God.) I need to be around people who have their own beliefs, but aren't dogmatic about them. Dogmatism annoys me, especially among Christians who keep saying the same things over and over again that I already know. I know what Christians believe. I know the spectrum of Christian beliefs. My journey at the moment is to decide which (if any) of them I believe.
Belief systems are inherited. We aren't born with one, it is shaped for us from our environment--our families, friends, those things to which we are exposed. I am certain that I became Christian because I was raised by Christians. I would have been Buddhist had I been raised by Buddhists. Anyone raised to believe that their belief system is "the truth" to the exclusion of all else will accept that teaching as true. I think I'm a late bloomer with regard to questioning that reality, and I believe it's largely because of exposure. I've always been around Christians. I've never spent any time getting to know anyone who holds to fundamentally different beliefs, who has a different idea of what truth is. I'm getting to know those people now, and while I've heard plenty of things that I am sure I don't and can't believe, I know it is a necessary and responsible exercise for me at the moment.
I offer this example. In my process of de-constructing my Christian beliefs, I am stuck at evaluating what I believe about the person of Christ. At the moment I am caught up on the doctrine of the Virgin Birth. It has always been a pretty incredible (in the unbelievable sense) part of the story for me. I have a difficult time believing it, regardless of what I believe about God and what he is able to do. I don't think I have questioned it because I have always thought that believing the Bible means that I have to find a way to make it all fit in my mind, or just accept what I don't understand (or believe, really) "by faith". Well, when one makes the decision to lay all beliefs aside and build them back up one by one, it's interesting when you don't rebuild them in the same order they were taught to you. I haven't dealt with what I believe about the Bible yet. So, my beliefs about it don't get to dictate my beliefs about the stories it contains. So, here I am with a story I don't believe that (to many Christians) is fundamental to whether or not one believes in Christ's deity. I don't necessarily see it that way. But it doesn't matter at the moment, as I haven't gotten to the deity of Christ anyway. I'm still working on how I believe he got here. I do believe he got here, by the way.
During a discussion about the virgin birth a cute 12 year old chimed in to offer his 2 cents ($20.00 in my book) to the conversation. He mentioned that the virgin birth that we were discussing isn't the only time people of faith have believed that a deity has impregnated a mortal. He rattled off a list of Greek and Roman gods who have the same fame. I thought he made a brilliant point. What makes Christianity's virgin, god-mortal birth any different than the Greek and Roman ones? Same mythology repeating itself? There was a time in Europe's and America's lovely Christian history when I would have been burned at the stake for such a suggestion. But you know, as well as most Christians can innumerate the atrocities done in the name of Allah, they seem to be completely oblivious to those done in the name of Christ. I don't think that statement validates one faith or the other. It's just an observation, just like the god-mortal pregnancy parallel.
I don't have any more answers today than I did a month ago and I'm perfectly fine with that. I don't think this process will be a speedy one. I don't want it to be. I have been inclined along the way to just give up and stick with the tried and true because it's less exhausting than all of this. But I can't go through the motions as a Christian any more. If I give up in this journey, I'll give up and be nothing before I give up and return to my default just because it's what I "know". I was invited to a conference next weekend about making the church relevant to 20 and 30 somethings. I have read one book by one of the guys who's speaking at the conference, Don Miller. It should be interesting, but I think I am going to feel like an outsider. I'm not so sure an outsider will have much to contribute to an internal discussion. Do I think I'm an outsider among Christians? No. But I think most Christians would think I am if they knew my questions and lack of conclusions to this point. It will be interesting to see how I feel in that space. There have been moments in this journey that have gripped me and convinced me of my faith in God. I'm wondering if the same will happen with regard to faith in Christ. We shall see. It should be interesting.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Sunday, April 01, 2007
On Rhetoric and Zombies
My brother is a musician. He was raised in church like I was, but he didn't really start going to church as an adult regularly until between his marriages. Now, he's still all of the musician he's ever been, but he also plays at his very multi-cultural church. It's interesting to see his talent cross genres. Last night I went to see a gospel music stage play he and a life-long friend of his produced. His friend wrote and directed the play, and my brother wrote and composed all of the music and is the music director. I was proud of both of them.
I had mixed feelings about going to see the play. Obviously, this is my brother, so of course I was going to go and support him. I love him to pieces. But I can't stand gospel music stage plays. I feel, with everything in me, that if you've seen one you've seen them all. They appeal to an audience I have not been a part of in a very long time. An audience I don't care to be a part of ever again. And then, at the same time, I worried that somehow being in this atmosphere again would make me feel guilty for choosing not to attend church at this point in my life. I doubted that it would go that way, but I wondered if I too would succumb to the emotional hooplah.
Part of my frustration with the church (and if I'm to be completely honest, this issue speaks to my frustration with the Black church in particular) is that I observe such a mindless, unintelligent following. I don't mean to imply that the people who attend these churches are mindless and unintelligent, rather I use those terms to describe what I perceive to be their approach to participation in the church. I have a problem with anyone who behaves a certain way simply because it's what's expected in a particular place at a particular time. I am not one to clap because the minister says clap, or because the music cues a particular response. I'm not going to yell, "Hallelujah" because someone in the pulpit tells me to. And I certainly will not "get behind" a preacher who is yelling and whooping absurdities, just because he reaches the emotional high point of his sermon where this type of response is expected. Sometimes I wonder if the congregation is even listening to the words the preacher's saying at all. Preachers say some pretty ridiculous things, even about what the Bible supposedly says. I am always amazed at the things folks in Black churches will sign on to and agree with without thinking about them first. I think it's sad and detrimental. It perpetuates this blind following.
As much as I hope gospel music stage plays seek to parody this type of behavior, I usually notice a disconnect between the intention and the response of the audience. When I see a preacher in a gospel stage play whooping and hollering, dancing and shouting across the stage while he's singing his sermon and rifting on every third word, I recognize the parody that it is. I think the majority of the audience recognizes it as such and laughs. It's funny. He's never saying anything particularly substantive or enlightening. Actually, he's usually saying something quite absurd. But there's always that core group of blind sheep who fall into step with the requisite audience/congregation response. Sometimes I think the audience is playing along with the parody, but just when I assume that, something happens to confirm that these folks are serious. It makes my blood boil. How can otherwise intelligent people be so programmed?
Last night was no exception. I like the play and I must say, my brother's closing number was quite a hit. He's released it as a single and I hope it does well, despite the fact that it stirs up more negative emotions in me than I can count. It basically says that "a family that prays together, stays together". I'm not opposed to that sentiment necessarily, but I'm not at all convinced of it's truth. The point of this post isn't for me to dissect such a statement, so I won't. Suffice it say though, that it's this type of thing to which I refer when I say that I don't think people really think about the church rhetoric they propagate. Rhetoric (religious or otherwise) is such an influential component of Black culture, for better or for worse, but I think we all have a responsibility to individually think through these things before jumping on a bandwagon. I think this song will do well because it's familiar rhetoric. It's catchy and there's a whole market for that. I hope, for his sake, it sells well.
Maybe I think too much. I was notorious for refusing to sing quite a few worship songs and hymns because, in my opinion, the ideas were ridiculous. I can't think of a single one at the moment. Ah, songs that says stuff like, "You're all I need. Jesus, you're all I need.". Well, um, no. That's not true. I need water and air and food and shelter and ... you get my drift. In the same way, there are love songs with messages I abhor. Like Macy Gray's I Try:
So, I left the play unaffected. I was as certain as I've been for this last year or so, that church isn't where I want to be right now. Not until I find a place that reinvents the idea in a more intelligent, non-rhetorical, non-programmatic, zombie-clone creating way.
I'll let you know when I find it.
I had mixed feelings about going to see the play. Obviously, this is my brother, so of course I was going to go and support him. I love him to pieces. But I can't stand gospel music stage plays. I feel, with everything in me, that if you've seen one you've seen them all. They appeal to an audience I have not been a part of in a very long time. An audience I don't care to be a part of ever again. And then, at the same time, I worried that somehow being in this atmosphere again would make me feel guilty for choosing not to attend church at this point in my life. I doubted that it would go that way, but I wondered if I too would succumb to the emotional hooplah.
Part of my frustration with the church (and if I'm to be completely honest, this issue speaks to my frustration with the Black church in particular) is that I observe such a mindless, unintelligent following. I don't mean to imply that the people who attend these churches are mindless and unintelligent, rather I use those terms to describe what I perceive to be their approach to participation in the church. I have a problem with anyone who behaves a certain way simply because it's what's expected in a particular place at a particular time. I am not one to clap because the minister says clap, or because the music cues a particular response. I'm not going to yell, "Hallelujah" because someone in the pulpit tells me to. And I certainly will not "get behind" a preacher who is yelling and whooping absurdities, just because he reaches the emotional high point of his sermon where this type of response is expected. Sometimes I wonder if the congregation is even listening to the words the preacher's saying at all. Preachers say some pretty ridiculous things, even about what the Bible supposedly says. I am always amazed at the things folks in Black churches will sign on to and agree with without thinking about them first. I think it's sad and detrimental. It perpetuates this blind following.
As much as I hope gospel music stage plays seek to parody this type of behavior, I usually notice a disconnect between the intention and the response of the audience. When I see a preacher in a gospel stage play whooping and hollering, dancing and shouting across the stage while he's singing his sermon and rifting on every third word, I recognize the parody that it is. I think the majority of the audience recognizes it as such and laughs. It's funny. He's never saying anything particularly substantive or enlightening. Actually, he's usually saying something quite absurd. But there's always that core group of blind sheep who fall into step with the requisite audience/congregation response. Sometimes I think the audience is playing along with the parody, but just when I assume that, something happens to confirm that these folks are serious. It makes my blood boil. How can otherwise intelligent people be so programmed?
Last night was no exception. I like the play and I must say, my brother's closing number was quite a hit. He's released it as a single and I hope it does well, despite the fact that it stirs up more negative emotions in me than I can count. It basically says that "a family that prays together, stays together". I'm not opposed to that sentiment necessarily, but I'm not at all convinced of it's truth. The point of this post isn't for me to dissect such a statement, so I won't. Suffice it say though, that it's this type of thing to which I refer when I say that I don't think people really think about the church rhetoric they propagate. Rhetoric (religious or otherwise) is such an influential component of Black culture, for better or for worse, but I think we all have a responsibility to individually think through these things before jumping on a bandwagon. I think this song will do well because it's familiar rhetoric. It's catchy and there's a whole market for that. I hope, for his sake, it sells well.
Maybe I think too much. I was notorious for refusing to sing quite a few worship songs and hymns because, in my opinion, the ideas were ridiculous. I can't think of a single one at the moment. Ah, songs that says stuff like, "You're all I need. Jesus, you're all I need.". Well, um, no. That's not true. I need water and air and food and shelter and ... you get my drift. In the same way, there are love songs with messages I abhor. Like Macy Gray's I Try:
I try to say goodbye and I chokeI hate the sentiment of this song. I need you to be a little less codependent and be able to survive without him. And there are so many like this. Angie Stone is famous for them and I can add countless others. Now, do I refrain from listening to these songs or singing them and dancing around the house with my Zune when the come on? NO. They're funky tunes and they're fun to sing. When I'm jamming in my apartment I want to be mindless and unintelligent. I want to let my hair down and be able to jam to the song without paying all that much attention to the words. I require more from church. I just do. It's supposed to be worship. I find it hard to worship someone I'm lying to at the same time. Maybe lying to someone is some folks' way of worshiping. I guess it's called flattery. I don't know. It just doesn't work for me.
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
So, I left the play unaffected. I was as certain as I've been for this last year or so, that church isn't where I want to be right now. Not until I find a place that reinvents the idea in a more intelligent, non-rhetorical, non-programmatic, zombie-clone creating way.
I'll let you know when I find it.
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