OK, here's where I am today. It's not eloquent. It's a rant. So deal.
I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who I believe will be a friend for life, unlike many "friends" I feel like I have lost as a result of many things, not the least of which is this journey I'm on to figure out what I believe. I've lost some friends as in gone forever, yep, it's over, she's nutz, lost; and I've lost others in the, we'll stick around and just talk about safe topics because she's off her rocker on the stuff that will save her soul from hell fire. To both groups of people I say, good riddance!! If anyone else would like to join the party, please jump on board post haste. The ship is sailing.
GOD in heaven forbid that I have chosen to think for my damn self with regard to what I believe!! I don't understand why people, correction, Christian church-goers, get their drawers so up in a bunch over my struggle, my journey. I don't care if you used to look up to me. I don't care if I was the one who used to teach you. I don't care if I have some amazing power to influence you. NEWS FLASH: I shouldn't!!! Adults should think for themselves. Oh, wait. I forgot, that's forbidden by the Church. No individual, free-thinkers allowed. Only absolute, zombie conformists. Only parrots who can quote the pastor and the Bible verbatim...never mind the fact that they have no clue what either meant by said quote.
I just got into this discussion about how I should be careful who I share my thoughts with because I wouldn't want to "cause anybody to stumble". Listen, if you ask me, "Lexi, what church do you go to these days?" and I respond, "I don't go to church right now, I'm trying to figure out what I believe about all that. I'm sure about God, but church is up in the air for me," and you respond by, say, dropping out of church to wander around aimlessly trying to figure out what you believe about church since that's what's Lexi's doing, then you're an idiot. I'm not responsible for your choice. Christian church-goers, pull up a chair. Listen closely. ADULTS HAVE BRAINS. They should use them. Should they chose to let their brain function lie dormant and be led around by sermons and books and people who express a dissenting opinion, without running these ideas though their thought factory, their resulting choices are NOT the fault of the person whose thoughts they have hijacked. ADULTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEMSELVES. Geez, Louise!!!
Have I mentioned before that I am frustrated as hell that the church seems to be a place where everybody is expected to think the same way and be the same way? Well, if not, I just did. It makes me so angry. God didn't make us all different for us to spend our lives trying to figure out how to UN-do his creativity and diversity. Give me a break!!! Be your own person, for the love of GOD!!! I am not responsible for YOU. There are about 15 people on the planet who need to get that through their heads.
Do you know what I love most about where I am. I have a chance to sit on my living room floor, buck naked if I want to, and try to figure out ME and God. Nobody else. I don't have to be concerned about X and Y's marriage, X's infidelity, whether A and B are having pre-marital sex, whether or not C and D are going to tithe off of that huge bonus check C just raked in, whether in Bible study we need to focus on prayer lives (since D, E, F and G are struggling so much in that area), or if we should focus on gifts and callings (since H, I, J and K are ready to step up to walk in their calling). I'm so glad to have a relationship with God that has nothing to do with telling other people how to live their freaking lives. Does anybody else know what that feels like? What it looks like? If so, let me know. And give me the address to your church if, in fact, that's where you learned to be so....I don't know.....normal?
How about this? If I drink, curse, dance, decide not to be celibate, decide not to attend church or whatever the sin du jour is, SO WHAT??? My sins or lack thereof are between me and GOD. Guess what? I sinned when I was a pastor too!! NEWS FREAKIN' FLASH!!! Don't quote bible verses to me. I KNOW THEM ALL . I taught them to YOU. Release yourself of the need to worry about me. If you believe HALF of what you say you believe, I hope it's the half that includes the fact that GOD is bigger than YOU and he is so much more capable of handling me than you are. LET. HIM. Return to the business of what color tie to wear on communion Sundays or some other world-changing shit. I'm sorry to curse on this blog, but I'm mad and God already heard mE curse on my other blogs, so too late.
I never wanted to use this blog to defend myself, so I hope to heaven that this is the last such post, but for the record....here is where I am:
I. BELIEVE.GOD. I haven't turned my back on him or backslid [insert tongues and sarcasm]. I even hold the Bible in some regard (and yes, I'm still trying to figure out what that is), BUT (and I do mean a BUT as big as the one I sit upon) I think the Church has gotten TONS of what it says WRONG!!! I'm tired of feeling like I had to fit in a box that I knew had things, many things wrong with it, and worse, like I was responsible for cramming that down someone else's throat. I won't do it anymore and I.WON'T.GET.BACK.IN.THE.BOX just because it will make people more comfortable with me. If you're uncomfortable with me, stop talking to me like the rest of them. I've decide I won't miss you. The truth is I can't. You weren't my friend anyway, just the friend of the girl who tried to live in the box and play the part everybody would accept. Lexi is done with that. If you can handle Lexi, call me. If not, it's been real.
Peace.
About Me
- Lex
- I love talking to people who challenge me and make me think...shake things up a bit! The closer to polar opposites, the more intriguing. Comfortable is boring. I'm all about stretching and growing. I feel like I've been stagnant for a very long time and I've just begun what is shaping up to be the journey of a lifetime. It's a journey of self-discovery that should help me write something more concrete and certain in the section "About Me". I am separated and hope to be divorced soon. This will close a chapter of tremendous pain in my life that started long before the marriage, before I even met him, in fact. I've been healing from a lot of things. That process has me rethinking everything: my faith, relationships, love, sex, hope, family, politics, dreams, the future. It's an exciting place to be and though often I'm silly and mindless on these pages, I welcome the opportunity to engage with others who'd like to discuss these things as well.
5 comments:
Well Lex, I don't know you personally therefore, I can't form an opinion on your sanity, however I have been in your shoes. Initially I just thought it was the Baptist Church that I couldn't conform to, so I became AME. That didn't work either, so I left the church all together to find out why I was Christian. Not because that was the way I was raised but for myself did I believe in Christ ressurected. I studied not only christianity but judiasm, taoism, islam, buddhaism, you name I read about. I stood flat foot in the middle of my bedroom and had a one on one with God, like you, I never stopped believing that He was real, and I asked for clarity. I do now belong to a church, do I take everything my pastor says as the be all end all, HELL NO!!! If I have a question, I don't go to him, I go to God, I pray about it and search the Bible and my heart for the answer. Do I believe the Bible, yes. If, God forbid, it is all a lie, I believe that God, being the awesome God that he is, will allow for human ignorance, I find that the Bible is a basic guide. There is nothing in the bible that is not relevant. By that I mean, why wouldn't you want to obey the Ten Commandments, why wouldn't you want to give thanks to the creator, why wouldn't you want to be good and kind to your fellow man. God instilled in us emotions and common sense. You right now are on a journey that no one else can finish but you. What ever conclusion you come to is a profoundly personal one. And like you said, those who truly love you will continue to love you and respect you for daring to be an individual. I personally would consider it a joy to have someone say, I don't know than to profess that they know it all. Best wishes on your journey.
Hey, Lady
I definitely agree with you that at the very least the Bible is a great idea! Of course this is how people should be treated. I believe it's more than that, but I definitely like how you characterize it.
I started out AME, then Pentecostal, then nothing (for years), then independent non-denominational (evangelical for all intents and purposes).
I'm glad to see that you've settle down after your own personal journey. I'm glad I haven't scared you off too.
Thanks for the well wishes.
Check in on me every now and then. ;-)
I don't scare that easy and like I said your journey is personal and has absolutely nothing to do with me. However if you ever need a sounding board or just a non-judgemental ear, I'm here.
beware of reprobation.
1. God gave every person a mind to think for themselves. moreover, he gave us all free will to either chose the truth, or be overwhelmed by a reprobated mind beleiving those things which are wrong to be right and vice- versa. God has a preacher to proclaim the truth. however, not the church nor the preacher can force you to do anything. God doesn't force you to come to salvation. he begs or beacons you to come to salvation.
2.you call yourself a christian, but you doubt the very essence of his Son's arrival through the virgin's birth. the Virgin's birth was prophecied by the prophet Isiah in the days of King Uziah and Hezekiah. This was long before the civilizations of Greek and Rome ever came into existence. you would have known this if you only studied and shown yourself approved. If you doubt his birth or first coming, you can not possibly beleive in his shedding of blood and ressurection. this makes you a pagan as your friend.the very name of Jesus has many diffrent translations. he was fisrt called "Hoshea" in the hebrew toungue. later changed to yeshua, and then joshua. and when the greecians, romans, and anglicans finally got a hold to it, his name was changed to Jesus.
3. the fact is this. no matter how hard the preachers preach and teachers teach, there are always going be some who see the power of God, feel the Power of God, sense the Power of God, and turn to their own understanding. they fail to beleive Jonah when he preached for 120 years that it would rain, and the floods drowned them all. they fail to trust God in Egypt land, no matter how many miracles he performed and that caused an entire generation not to enter the promised land. Peter stated, "God is not willing that any should perish but all men be redeemed and converted. That means that God doesn't want any of his creation to enter hell. but God himself knows that due to Man's free will, some will chose death rather than life.
adam could have choesn to eat from any tree in the garden except from the tree of knowledge between good and evil.
which means, he had access to the tree of life. however, he chose to eat of death rather than life.
Satan was successfull in doing atleast one thing. He was successful in convincing man that there was more than one God.
if you are not sure of your salvation, here is something that will help you.
romans 10:9-10 tells you that if you confess with your own two lips that Jesus is the son of God and beleive in your own Heart and mind that He died and for your sins, and God raised him from the dead. you shalt be saved. and you are sealed by his spirit until the day of redemption according to the book of ephesians.
today ask God to reveal himself to you through his holy spirit, and study for your self. Theology is how man sees God. You need a relationship so that you might know how God sees you.
god bless you, and keep you,
concerned brother........
I before E
except after C
and when to say "ay"
as in "neighbor" or "weigh"
That's all I have to say until you are man enough to call me a pagan and not hide behind anonymity.
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